


Tiptoe Through the Tulips

by notlucy



Series: MCU Kink Bingo - NotLucy [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Boredom, Bucky Barnes Needs a Shower, Dubious Worldbuilding by the author, Established Relationship, Ethical Dilemmas, Idiots in Love, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 03:59:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13562340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notlucy/pseuds/notlucy
Summary: Steve and Bucky debate the ethics of sex pollen because they have nothing better to do with their time. No, really.





	Tiptoe Through the Tulips

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [На цыпочках через тюльпаны](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15925214) by [fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018/pseuds/fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018), [Tressa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tressa/pseuds/Tressa)



> This fills the N-4 square on my Kink Bingo card: Sex Pollen.

It was hard to take Bucky seriously when he was upside down. He looked, frankly, ridiculous - hanging off the edge of a bunk, booted feet up against the wall, long hair trailing along the standard-issue laminate floor of the safehouse in Siberia they’d been holed up in for the better part of a week.

Though Steve had to admit, the need for the safe house was _kind of_ on him. Because he’d maybe gotten the quinjet slightly...blown up. The details weren’t important, no matter what Bucky said: at the end of the day, it couldn’t fly, and now they were stuck together in a tiny house with zero hot water, entertainment, or good food.

Even fucking got old after a while. Especially when your significant other stopped showering (“too cold”) and started smelling like the six train on a summer afternoon.

“I’m telling you,” Bucky said, groping on the bed for the weird potato chips he’d discovered in a cabinet earlier. “Thor said so.”

“Buck,” Steve shook his head. “I think Thor was having you on.”

“Oh, yeah, because Thor’s hilarious.” Bucky crammed a handful of chips in his mouth and spoke around them. Charming. “Seriously, he says there’s a sex flower on uh...Van-da-heim.”

“A sex flower.”

“Yeah! It’s uh, you smell it, or you get...I don’t know. The pollen, I guess? It gets on you, or you breathe it in, and you have to like...fuck someone or you’ll _die_.”

Steve massaged his temples, elbows resting on the small kitchen table as he sat, feeling personally attacked by Bucky’s upside-down chewing noises. “Does that mean you have to _do_ the fucking, or you have to be fucked?”

Bucky blinked. “...both?”

“That doesn’t make any sense. Thor must be…”

“Okay, so let’s say you gotta have an orgasm within a couple hours of getting hit with the fuck flower, or you’ll die. Hypothetically.”

“Wait, is this a hypothetical situation, or is it real?”

“Jesus H., Stevie, I don’t know. I’m trying to have a conversation here.”

“What’s the question again?”

Bucky heaved a sigh, repeating the question that had started the whole debate. “What would you do if you got fuck flower pollen up your nose?”

The fact that they were having a theoretical conversation about fuck flowers - and Steve was _entertaining_ the theory of fuck flowers at all - spoke to just how long a week it had been. The last radio communication with Natasha had indicated it would be at least another twelve hours before anybody came to rescue him from Bucky. His best friend. His partner. The love of his life. Also, the guy who was shunning showers, chewing chips, and had gotten in the habit of picking at his nails with the sharpest and stabbiest of the knives he kept strapped to his person at all times.

“I’d probably just masturbate,” Steve said after a moment’s consideration.

Bucky scoffed, spraying potato chip crumbs everywhere as he sat up and pointed a greasy finger. “You _can’t_.”

“Who says I can’t?”

“Me! That’s such a cop-out. The fuck flower doesn’t work that way. Someone else has to help, yanno, initiate the orgasm.”

“You know, you keep making up rules about this thing, Buck, I’m not sure you actually got any credible information from Thor about…”

“It’s my fucking flower and I want to know what you’d do if you got dosed. Humor me.”

“Fine,” he replied, rolling his eyes and thinking it over. “I wouldn’t fuck anyone.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’d be putting someone in an impossible position. If I’d been...fuck flowered, I wouldn’t be in my right mind, and couldn’t truly consent. So anyone who uh, took care of the problem? They’d be assaulting me.”

Bucky gaped at him. “But you’d _die_.”

“Yes.”

“That’s ridiculous. I’d let you fuck me and I wouldn’t be mad about it afterward. Or okay, if the flower made you...so crazed with lust you attacked me, I’d be fine with that, too.”

“Bucky!” Steve tried not to look like a disapproving maiden aunt, he really did, but he knew he had the _face_ on. The face Natasha teased him about and Bucky said made his dick want to shrivel up and drop off. Steve hated everyone. “That’s terrible!”

“You’re my _husband_ , asshole. That’s like...blanket consent.”

“That’s not how it works!” And damn it, Bucky, now all Steve could think about was the mandatory SHIELD ‘Sexual Norms in the 21st Century for your Recently Thawed Super Soldier’ workshop he’d been forced to sit through.

“Oh, please enlighten me about ethics, pal. I’m all ears.”

(Steve didn’t think Bucky needed to use _both_ middle fingers to punctuate his point, but that was neither here nor there.)

“Number one,” he said. “Consent is something you need _every_ time…”

Bucky groaned, getting to his feet and pushing a hand through his hair, which was beginning to resemble an oil slick. “Nope. This isn’t regular consent, it’s fuck-or-die consent. Different context.”

“I would rather die than put you - or _anyone_ \- in that position,” Steve responded.

“You fuckin’ martyr,” Bucky shot back. “That’s so selfish! We’re your teammates. We can make our own choices. If you got jizz pollen up your nose, I’m not gonna feel guilty about fucking you for safety, or vice versa. And I know a thing or two about unwilling participation in shit.”

“Be that as it may, ethically I still think there’s a consent issue. If you can’t consent in the moment, or revoke consent willingly, then it’s wrong. So I’d just let myself die.” As he said it, he wasn’t actually sure that it was _true_ , but he was very sure that he wanted to be _right_ , which - when arguing with Bucky - was more important.

Narrowing his eyes, Bucky crossed the small space and jabbed a finger into Steve’s chest. “I hate you. I am gonna get a fuckin’ contract drawn up, with lawyers and shit, that says if I get fuck flowered, or you get fuck flowered, we are legally allowed to do whatever the hell we gotta do to...consentingly wipe that crap _out_.”

Steve’s mouth twitched. He didn’t want to laugh, but he was going to laugh.

“...and,” Bucky continued, straddling Steve’s lap, the smell of imitation onion chips on his breath as he leaned in for a kiss, “I’m gonna get it _notarized_.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Steve smirked, jerking his hips up just enough that he jostled Bucky, who bristled. “You know I like it when you talk bureaucracy at me.”

“Fucking right you do,” he growled. And yeah, maybe Steve was into it, but Bucky still needed a shower.

Two weeks later, Pepper Potts delivered a standard contract to their quarters and served as a notary while they signed it. Bucky was ridiculous and Steve loved him anyway.

He was also pretty sure Thor was lying about the fuck flower.

 

* * *

 

It took a year before a freak confluence of events involving Stephen Strange, Heimdall and a portal in Tribeca had Steve and Bucky taking a not-so-planned vacation on Vanaheim. Only instead of a cottage on the beach, sixty percent of the Avengers were zapped to the alien world where they were currently fighting creatures that belched blue flames. (He could only hope the other forty percent of his team had stayed Earthbound, but that seemed like a problem for Future Steve.)

One of the said belching aliens really packed a punch, sending him flying fifty feet across the field of battle. He hit the ground hard and rolled to a stop, ending up with his face mashed directly into - huh - a big, aromatic blue flower. Wow. It smelled like peaches and summer and long days in bed with Bucky and golly gee, he was just gonna take a big old whiff of that thing. Which...

Ah, fuck.

Thank God for notaries.

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I get "Sex Pollen" as a Kink Bingo square and can't bring myself to write a normal sex pollen fill. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! You can find me and all my Stucky shenanigans on Tumblr at [notlucy](https://notlucy.tumblr.com).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Tiptoe Through the Tulips](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13632783) by [quietnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietnight/pseuds/quietnight)




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